How to tell your kids about surrogacy?

How to Tell Your Kids About Surrogacy: A Comprehensive Guide

We all know how curious the kids can be. Children whose families have a somewhat different look can begin to wonder how they came into existence. When they grow older, children are fully aware that the traditional equation is not suited for two dads or a single mother. In this article, we will cover the most burning question for surrogacy parents, how to tell your kids about surrogacy?

If your kid is conceived via gay surrogacy or a different type of surrogacy, it is important to have the “How did I come into existence?” discussion as soon as possible.

The thought of telling their child that they have been born in a non-traditional way for some parents can be terrifying. However, research has shown that it can affect not only the child but also parents to keep the child’s origin secret. One study found that kids born to surrogates face difficulty in adjusting to higher levels of stress and anxiety, if not handled carefully.

In the beautiful journey of family-building through surrogacy, one crucial step is explaining the process to your children. Whether you’re telling your existing children about a new sibling arriving via surrogacy or explaining to your surrogacy-born child about their origin, this guide will help you navigate this important conversation.

Understanding the Importance of Openness

Being open and honest about surrogacy is crucial for several reasons:

It builds trust within the family
It helps children understand their identity and origins
It prevents feelings of shame or secrecy around the topic
It prepares children for potential questions from others

Timing: When to Have the Conversation

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to when you should tell your kids about surrogacy. However, experts generally agree on the following principles:

Start early: Introduce the concept as soon as possible, even with very young children
Make it an ongoing conversation: Don’t treat it as a one-time “big reveal”
Be age-appropriate: Tailor the information to your child’s level of understanding

Age Group	Approach
0-3 years	Use simple words and focus on the idea of love and family
4-7 years	Introduce basic biological concepts and the idea of “helping”
8-12 years	Provide more detailed explanations about the surrogacy process
Teenagers	Be open to deeper discussions about genetics, ethics, and identity

Tips for Explaining Surrogacy to Kids

Use Age-Appropriate Language: Adjust your vocabulary and level of detail based on your child’s age and maturity.
Be Positive: Frame surrogacy as a positive, loving way to create a family.
Use Visual Aids: Books, drawings, or even child-friendly videos can help illustrate the concept.
Emphasize Love and Family: Stress that families are created through love, regardless of how children join them.
Be Honest: While being age-appropriate, avoid using metaphors that might confuse the child later.
Acknowledge the Surrogate’s Role: Speak positively about the surrogate and her contribution.
Address Emotions: Encourage your child to express their feelings and questions openly.
Prepare for Questions: Be ready to answer questions, and it’s okay to say “I don’t know” if you’re unsure.
Respect Privacy: Teach your child about the appropriate sharing of their surrogacy story.
Seek Support: Consider joining support groups or seeking professional guidance if needed.

Surrogacy costs resources worldwide:

Top 4 cheapest countries for surrogacy

Best Countries for Surrogacy 2023- Top International Destinations

Risks of international surrogacy

Global International Surrogacy Options

Surrogacy In Mexico-Everything Intended Parents Need To Know

Cheapest Country For Gay Surrogacy- Colombia

Low-cost surrogate mother in Argentina

Low-cost surrogate mother in Kazakhstan

Sample Explanations by Age

For Young Children (0-3 years):

“You grew in a special lady’s tummy because Mommy’s tummy couldn’t grow babies. We loved you even before you were born!”

For Preschoolers (4-7 years):

“Sometimes, when a mommy and daddy want a baby very much, they need help. A kind woman called a surrogate helped us by growing you in her tummy until you were ready to be born.”

For School-Age Children (8-12 years):

“Remember how we talked about surrogacy? It’s when someone carries a baby for another family. In our case, we used Dad’s sperm and Mom’s egg (or donor egg) to create an embryo, which was then carried by our surrogate. She took care of you until you were born, and then we became your parents.”

For Teenagers:

With teenagers, you can have more in-depth discussions about the medical and ethical aspects of surrogacy, as well as its legal and social implications.

Why you should tell the children that they are born out of surrogacy?

There are many daunting reasons for which you need to tell the children that they are born out of surrogacy. Some of them are –

Feeling of mistrust – If your child would get to know from someone else, that he/she is born out of the surrogacy procedure, he may develop a feeling of mistrust for you. So, you yourself must convey this message to them. Many, including relatives, friends, and your physician, know the story of your child and can be detrimental if your child learns the truth from anyone other than you.
Feeling of guilt and stress for the parents – Hiding the surrogacy story from the child can lead to stress, depression, and anxiety within you and your partner. So, you must speak up in the right way and at the right time.
Donor-related risks – Donor-conceived children may receive inaccurate medical information if they have no access to the family medical history of their donor
Risk of self-identity – Children can grow doubtful, especially if they have different genetic characteristics or traits, to identify themselves. The longer you conceal or withhold the facts, the more suspicious the child may become, in the family and the wider world, of who they are.

How to tell your children about the surrogacy truth?

So, how to tell your kids about surrogacy? You have to be very careful at times when you are telling your children about their surrogacy story. Just make sure that you are telling it at the right time and the right place with the help of tools and techniques. Otherwise, your one wrong step may widen the differences between you and your child. You should follow these simple steps when you want to tell your children about their surrogacy story –

#1. Decide to tell them the surrogacy story

Before telling them about their surrogacy story, do your homework well. Even before they are born, begin preparing to tell the story of your child. Gather details about the cycle of child surgery and your trip to a baby’s book: take pictures of yourself, the clinic, the surrogate, and her family as well. Document your child’s progress and begin to write the story of your child so he or she has an overview of all those who have gathered to enable their life in a clear visual and written way.

#2. Make sure that you are telling them at the right age what they need to know

You might just want to explain to young children that families are available in all forms and sizes and that people often need help to carry babies. With older children, depending on their age and level of comprehension, you may want a more comprehensive description. You may explain, for instance, how the IVF cycle and the biological connection between them and your family.

#3. Tell them in a conversing way

It is necessary to keep up an ongoing conversation about the procedure of surrogacy. Throughout the development of a pregnancy, children are likely to have specific and new concerns over time. When other kids ask questions and show interest in what is happening in your family, tell your kids that they are welcome to help others know. Your child may be proud of their role in helping other children learn about the importance of surrogacy.

#4. Maintain a positive attitude

A younger child with an open mind will be responsive to others’ moods and reactions, particularly your own. The development of a fun atmosphere and your surrogacy as an exciting tale allows your child to become more informed about the idea.

#5. Be reassuring

It is not the process of how babies come into this world, but how much they are needed and loved. They are more precious as so many people helped and participated to have them. Make sure that they feel loved with a sense of pride in their birth stories.

#6. Gain understanding

When children begin to develop a more realistic understanding of biology and birth, they will want to know more about their surrogacy story. If you wait until this stage in your life to talk with your child about surrogacy, the information will be probably a shock for them, and the implications of surrogacy and egg donor conception can be a challenge.

If, however, you have established an educational foundation and talked about his or her surrogacy story openly with your child, it will be quite a natural development, as they will begin to understand the exact functioning and meaning of the process.

#7. Be honest

In this phase, it is important that your child is open you are honest, and that his or her all questions are answered.

More resources for the surrogacy process:

All you need to know about gay surrogacy?

Single father surrogacy- what all your need to know

Single parent’s surrogacy process- an overview.

Countries where single parent surrogacy is allowed

Conclusion

Therefore, it is important to tell your child about their surrogacy story. You can also explain to them this, with the help of the storybooks. A sweet simple story of surrogacy that you can speak to your child is “The Kangaroo Pouch”. Rest assured that your child will be at ease with this concept.

If you’d like to learn more about IVF, Egg Donation, or surrogacy Consulting services globally, check out the rest of our website at IVF Conceptions. We offer legally secure and affordable surrogacy cons Neelam Chhagani is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Our team has over 14 years of experience facilitating surrogacy arrangements, egg donation, and serving as an advocacy resource for infertile couples and LGBTQ individuals seeking to build families. Till now we have helped and supported thousands of the intended parents with their family-building journey, and we can help you as well. Happy to share the references from the past IPs if needed.

Get in touch for FREE SURROGACY CONSULTING:

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